Last June 30th, Nana went through a mastectomy. They had to take out her left breast. It all happened so fast—she went to a GP that week because she was feeling this pain in her left breast, then the GP sent her for some tests, then on June 28th, she called me on my handphone to tell me that she will be having an operation in two days.
***
Nana is a constant force in my life. You know those names in your phonebook where you put a symbol like * or @ before their name so that their names will always come out on top of your list? Nana is that way to me, not only in my celphone's phonebook but in my life as well. She's always on top of my "list". I just love her so much.
***
I wanted to write about this, knowing that it would give me the release I need. I wanted to talk to my friends about it. I wanted to call all our other family members to update them of Nana’s situation. But somehow I can’t. I was just so tired. Not from taking care of her, but just tired from thinking, tired from fighting back the tears in front of Nana.
I realized that it’s at the happiest and loneliest times of my life that I find it most difficult to write and express my feelings. As Tina told me: The feelings are just too fresh to talk about, let alone put in white and black for everyone to see.
It was grueling for me to see her endure this phase in her life. It’s never easy to see someone so strong be at the weakest point in her life. I remember the first time I saw my friend Jojo lying on his hospital bed, weak and almost blind. I just couldn’t accept someone so outgoing become like that in just a blink of an eye.
It pains me to see Nana feel down about her situation but I had to be strong for her—emotionally, physically… I knew she didn’t want my pity. She just wants me to be there to hold my hand. She had no other family here in Singapore except me. I would just think, if I feel so down now, the more it is for Nana. So I have to be strong for her.
***
After the operation, as she was lying on her hospital bed, I saw her touch that part of her breast, and she glanced at me with a look that seemed to be searching for answers. And I couldn’t help but ask Kuya Jess why these things happen to good people. I guess that’s the first question anyone would ask when they see their loved ones go through pain and uncertainty.
And just like I always do when I am at my life’s extreme moments, I turn to Tina, my one-woman pep squad-slash-shrink-slash best friend. She said: Things happen because they just do. Nana didn't do anything wrong. And truth be told, I don't think she deserved it either. But Nana's faith is strong, as you said, and this event in her life will not change that. She knows in her heart that this was not given by God as a punishment. Think of the good things, Chie. At least di cancerous. At least she is not in pain. At least, she had you to hold her hand and take care of her. She may not have a partner but with a niece like you, why else would she need one?
***
A day after the operation, while the nurse was teaching me how to drain blood from the vacuum drainer attached to her side, Nana looked down and saw the bandages on her chest and told me while fighting back tears: “Chie, uwi na lang ako sa Pilipinas.” And I told her: “Oo, Nana. Uuwi tayo pag malakas ka na.”
The other day, my friend who dropped by to visit her, asked her how long she has been staying in Singapore. Nana replied, “Almost twenty years. Eto lang pala mangyayari sakin.” But she said that with a smile on her face, without bitterness, with a hint of slow acceptance.
***
Me and my sisters were always the ones being taken cared of by Nana. And this time, it’s my turn to take care of her.
And as I spent the night in the hospital, sitting on a chair (walang extra bed eh), holding her hand, I remember those nights when as I child, she would scratch me and my sister’s back until we were finally asleep.
When I bathe her and helped her change her clothes, I remember those times when she would do it for me. And as I grew up, the help extended from changing clothes to helping me deal with heartaches and problems and teaching me to do the right thing.
As I arrange her blanket to shield her from the cold, I remembered how, many years ago, when Nana left us to go to Singapore, my sister Cha refused to wash the blanket she and Nana shared. Cha would hug the blanket at night, no matter how stinky it was already. I think it was only after a year or two that Cha finally let go of that blanket.
***
She may now have only one of it, but she now has a longer lease in life and realize that she even has more now: more love from us, more good people surrounding her, more time to enjoy what she has worked hard for, more time to relax and appreciate life.
Four days after the operation, Nana’s mood has vastly improved. She was smiling again… had more appetite to eat. My admiration for Nana just keeps growing more and more as each day passes. I knew it wasn’t easy for her to make her decision but she knew it was the right thing to do. As doctors explained to us all, taking it away means she will be free from the threats of the Big C.
And whenever I see Nana smile now, I start to see the good things, such as the fact that she’s not in pain.
***
The other night, I was “reporting” to my mom about Nana’s developments, Mama said: “Buti na lang Chie, you’re there. Kasi kung wala ka, pano yan, walang kasama si Nana mo. Siguro kaya ka dinala diyan ni Lord, noh?” (to those who know my mom’s real nature, this is something really so out of character for her usual taray and kontrabida self)
Four years ago, when I was still new here and still in the midst of loneliness and homesickness, I told myself: God must have a reason why he brought me here.
Was it for the promise of earning more money or of living a good life or holding a good job? When I think about it now, even if I don’t get these things, it would be perfectly alright with me, because I now realize that those are not the reasons why Kuya Jess brought me here.
I think I was sent here to hold Nana’s hand while she is battling one of the greatest blows of her life.
***
Nana is my cousin AND my aunt (her father is my father’s uncle AND her mother is my mom’s sister—okay go figure). To those close to me, you know that me and my sisters consider her as our second mother. She took care of us since the time we were young until the time she went here to Singapore to work. But even when she was far away from us, the concern and the guidance has always been there. I was reunited with her when I came here to Singapore four years ago. And we became much closer to each other.
Nana is a pillar of strength. Not just to me and my sisters but also to the other members of our family. She is always there for anyone and everyone. She proved to me that you do not need to be someone’s wife or someone’s mother or someone’s daughter to give unconditional love. Because that’s what she’s been doing to me and my sisters—give unconditional love. In the midst of taking care of everyone else’s needs, she has given up a lot of her own. Nana is 49 and single.
Nana is a constant force in my life. You know those names in your phonebook where you put a symbol like * or @ before their name so that their names will always come out on top of your list? Nana is that way to me, not only in my celphone's phonebook but in my life as well. She's always on top of my "list". I just love her so much.
***
I wanted to write about this, knowing that it would give me the release I need. I wanted to talk to my friends about it. I wanted to call all our other family members to update them of Nana’s situation. But somehow I can’t. I was just so tired. Not from taking care of her, but just tired from thinking, tired from fighting back the tears in front of Nana.
I realized that it’s at the happiest and loneliest times of my life that I find it most difficult to write and express my feelings. As Tina told me: The feelings are just too fresh to talk about, let alone put in white and black for everyone to see.
It was grueling for me to see her endure this phase in her life. It’s never easy to see someone so strong be at the weakest point in her life. I remember the first time I saw my friend Jojo lying on his hospital bed, weak and almost blind. I just couldn’t accept someone so outgoing become like that in just a blink of an eye.
It pains me to see Nana feel down about her situation but I had to be strong for her—emotionally, physically… I knew she didn’t want my pity. She just wants me to be there to hold my hand. She had no other family here in Singapore except me. I would just think, if I feel so down now, the more it is for Nana. So I have to be strong for her.
***
After the operation, as she was lying on her hospital bed, I saw her touch that part of her breast, and she glanced at me with a look that seemed to be searching for answers. And I couldn’t help but ask Kuya Jess why these things happen to good people. I guess that’s the first question anyone would ask when they see their loved ones go through pain and uncertainty.
And just like I always do when I am at my life’s extreme moments, I turn to Tina, my one-woman pep squad-slash-shrink-slash best friend. She said: Things happen because they just do. Nana didn't do anything wrong. And truth be told, I don't think she deserved it either. But Nana's faith is strong, as you said, and this event in her life will not change that. She knows in her heart that this was not given by God as a punishment. Think of the good things, Chie. At least di cancerous. At least she is not in pain. At least, she had you to hold her hand and take care of her. She may not have a partner but with a niece like you, why else would she need one?
***
A day after the operation, while the nurse was teaching me how to drain blood from the vacuum drainer attached to her side, Nana looked down and saw the bandages on her chest and told me while fighting back tears: “Chie, uwi na lang ako sa Pilipinas.” And I told her: “Oo, Nana. Uuwi tayo pag malakas ka na.”
The other day, my friend who dropped by to visit her, asked her how long she has been staying in Singapore. Nana replied, “Almost twenty years. Eto lang pala mangyayari sakin.” But she said that with a smile on her face, without bitterness, with a hint of slow acceptance.
***
Me and my sisters were always the ones being taken cared of by Nana. And this time, it’s my turn to take care of her.
And as I spent the night in the hospital, sitting on a chair (walang extra bed eh), holding her hand, I remember those nights when as I child, she would scratch me and my sister’s back until we were finally asleep.
When I bathe her and helped her change her clothes, I remember those times when she would do it for me. And as I grew up, the help extended from changing clothes to helping me deal with heartaches and problems and teaching me to do the right thing.
As I arrange her blanket to shield her from the cold, I remembered how, many years ago, when Nana left us to go to Singapore, my sister Cha refused to wash the blanket she and Nana shared. Cha would hug the blanket at night, no matter how stinky it was already. I think it was only after a year or two that Cha finally let go of that blanket.
***
She may now have only one of it, but she now has a longer lease in life and realize that she even has more now: more love from us, more good people surrounding her, more time to enjoy what she has worked hard for, more time to relax and appreciate life.
Four days after the operation, Nana’s mood has vastly improved. She was smiling again… had more appetite to eat. My admiration for Nana just keeps growing more and more as each day passes. I knew it wasn’t easy for her to make her decision but she knew it was the right thing to do. As doctors explained to us all, taking it away means she will be free from the threats of the Big C.
And whenever I see Nana smile now, I start to see the good things, such as the fact that she’s not in pain.
***
The other night, I was “reporting” to my mom about Nana’s developments, Mama said: “Buti na lang Chie, you’re there. Kasi kung wala ka, pano yan, walang kasama si Nana mo. Siguro kaya ka dinala diyan ni Lord, noh?” (to those who know my mom’s real nature, this is something really so out of character for her usual taray and kontrabida self)
Four years ago, when I was still new here and still in the midst of loneliness and homesickness, I told myself: God must have a reason why he brought me here.
Was it for the promise of earning more money or of living a good life or holding a good job? When I think about it now, even if I don’t get these things, it would be perfectly alright with me, because I now realize that those are not the reasons why Kuya Jess brought me here.
I think I was sent here to hold Nana’s hand while she is battling one of the greatest blows of her life.
***
These past few months I was feeling so down, uninspired, no passion and energy to do things. I asked myself: Who stole my magic?
Now, even at a low point in her life, Nana continues to take care of me by inspiring me to become a better person—to work harder, exercise more, cut down on my cigs, eat healthier, be more productive.
Okay, I still don’t know who stole my magic. But what I do know is that Nana brought the magic back into my life.
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