The Big C is here, after all.

Just like a traitor.

A few weeks ago, my family and I heaved a sigh of relief after Nana's mastectomy because the test results showed that she didn't have cancer.

Then Nana took some other tests after the operation. Results showed that she has breast cancer. Stage 2.

And just like a traitor, this illness came out, hitting us all in the gut.

We learned about it on Tuesday when we went to SGH to see her specialist. As Nana and I walked away from the hospital, I kept telling her "Na, gagaling ka. Gagaling ka." She was so shocked. She looked like she didn't understand what was going on.

The doctor said she has to go on chemotherapy. However, we've been hearing a lot of other feedbacks that Stage 2 breast cancer can still be cured without going through chemo.

We are going to get a second opinion. I am now asking around here if anyone knows a doctor that we can talk to. The doctor that Nana has now is so apathetic that he didn't even bother making Nana understand what she is going through and what her options are. Hay, iba pa rin talaga pag Pinoy ang doctor. Iba pa rin talaga mag-alaga ang Pinoy, period.

Nana wants to go home. I agree with her. Singapore, they say, has better treatment facilities. But I believe that there are doctors and hospitals in the Philippines that are good too.

Besides, healing is faster when you are close to your loved ones.

I have a lot of faith that Nana will overcome this and that she will be better. I may pray harder now, but I've never, never, never doubted my faith. I may, at one point, ask why this has to happen to her, of all people. But that's it. I never doubted His healing hand. He has given me and my family a lot of miracles and I am sure He will continue to do so.

Please continue to pray for Nana. That she may be healed and that she may stay strong.

Holland V !!!

(A long overdue post)

After staying in areas with exotic-sounding names (like Choa Chu Kang, Bukit Panjang, Jalan Rumah Tinggi), we now have an address that can be pronounced correctly by anyone hahaha. Babaw.

I am a product of a "lipat-bahay family". When we were young, we would always move from one apartment to another every year. But I never really learned the ropes of packing for a move. In fact, I really hate it. Even though I am excited about the move, I really wasn't looking forward to do those packing. Good thing, my hubby is a superman when it comes to these things. Plus the fact that some friends were there to help us out. I think the only stuff that I personally packed were my kitchen things and my books.

My simple goal for this move is not to rush the packing. Two weeks before our move, we started packing already. First, my books and those stuff that we don't really use on a daily basis. I went through my clothes and donated those that are still wearable but (haaay) can't fit me anymore. Then a day before the move, I packed my kitchen stuff. All the rest of our things, it was hubby who was in charge of packing them.

Hubby initially wanted to just rent a lorry (small truck) without the movers. He said that he and Joel can manage to carry the stuff just by themselves. But the night before our move, we saw all the boxes and realised that if they carry it on their own, they would have to go on MC for one week. Talk about four years of accumulated rubbish. Hahha.

It's almost a month now after the move, and I can say we've pretty much settled in our new place already. Our Holland V flat is not as spacious as the one in Choa Chu Kang, but we'll manage. But the kitchen is spacious, yehey! It's my favorite tambayan in the house!

I love the fact that across from us is a 24-hour Cold Storage, a street of bars, pubs, coffee shops and restos. For the past weeks, we go out drinking na nakapambahay lang. Hehehe e madalas naman kasi dun kami sa cheap lang umiinom kasi mahal ang alak dito--to quote Joel: tipirin mo na lahat dito pwera lang ang bisyo dahil sa mahal nya, di ka talaga makakatipid. So if we feel like going out to drink even late at night e ok lang cuz it's just a stone's throw away lang. Also, our place is just a 20-minute bus ride to Tanglin and Orchard. There's Royale Tanglin Golf Course that's just a few minutes away. Eye Lovet!

Although I kind of got sad that we moved AGAIN (!), I love the fact that moving to a new place refreshes me. It's like a new start for me. Lately, I've been thinking of finally leaving Singapore...I've thought about moving to Australia before having kids...and it's lately that I've been mulling over moving to another country. Of course, it's not an overnight decision so Jun and I should think AND prepare for it. So after Singapore, where could our next home be? The wanderlust in me is acting up again...

Four years of accumulated rubbish

Bye bye housemates Gamby and Kat! And goodbye houseghost Aaron!

Shaffaan was our first visitor. We had a late-night move and by the time we got to the new place, Shaf was waiting at the lobby with dinner (so thoughtful) cuz he knew we would be too busy to think about dinner...

Nana (and why having only one means you have more)

Last June 30th, Nana went through a mastectomy. They had to take out her left breast. It all happened so fast—she went to a GP that week because she was feeling this pain in her left breast, then the GP sent her for some tests, then on June 28th, she called me on my handphone to tell me that she will be having an operation in two days.

***

Nana is my cousin AND my aunt (her father is my father’s uncle AND her mother is my mom’s sister—okay go figure). To those close to me, you know that me and my sisters consider her as our second mother. She took care of us since the time we were young until the time she went here to Singapore to work. But even when she was far away from us, the concern and the guidance has always been there. I was reunited with her when I came here to Singapore four years ago. And we became much closer to each other.

Nana is a pillar of strength. Not just to me and my sisters but also to the other members of our family. She is always there for anyone and everyone. She proved to me that you do not need to be someone’s wife or someone’s mother or someone’s daughter to give unconditional love. Because that’s what she’s been doing to me and my sisters—give unconditional love. In the midst of taking care of everyone else’s needs, she has given up a lot of her own. Nana is 49 and single.

Nana is a constant force in my life. You know those names in your phonebook where you put a symbol like * or @ before their name so that their names will always come out on top of your list? Nana is that way to me, not only in my celphone's phonebook but in my life as well. She's always on top of my "list". I just love her so much.

***
I wanted to write about this, knowing that it would give me the release I need. I wanted to talk to my friends about it. I wanted to call all our other family members to update them of Nana’s situation. But somehow I can’t. I was just so tired. Not from taking care of her, but just tired from thinking, tired from fighting back the tears in front of Nana.

I realized that it’s at the happiest and loneliest times of my life that I find it most difficult to write and express my feelings. As Tina told me: The feelings are just too fresh to talk about, let alone put in white and black for everyone to see.

It was grueling for me to see her endure this phase in her life. It’s never easy to see someone so strong be at the weakest point in her life. I remember the first time I saw my friend Jojo lying on his hospital bed, weak and almost blind. I just couldn’t accept someone so outgoing become like that in just a blink of an eye.

It pains me to see Nana feel down about her situation but I had to be strong for her—emotionally, physically… I knew she didn’t want my pity. She just wants me to be there to hold my hand. She had no other family here in Singapore except me. I would just think, if I feel so down now, the more it is for Nana. So I have to be strong for her.

***
After the operation, as she was lying on her hospital bed, I saw her touch that part of her breast, and she glanced at me with a look that seemed to be searching for answers. And I couldn’t help but ask Kuya Jess why these things happen to good people. I guess that’s the first question anyone would ask when they see their loved ones go through pain and uncertainty.

And just like I always do when I am at my life’s extreme moments, I turn to Tina, my one-woman pep squad-slash-shrink-slash best friend. She said: Things happen because they just do. Nana didn't do anything wrong. And truth be told, I don't think she deserved it either. But Nana's faith is strong, as you said, and this event in her life will not change that. She knows in her heart that this was not given by God as a punishment. Think of the good things, Chie. At least di cancerous. At least she is not in pain. At least, she had you to hold her hand and take care of her. She may not have a partner but with a niece like you, why else would she need one?

***
A day after the operation, while the nurse was teaching me how to drain blood from the vacuum drainer attached to her side, Nana looked down and saw the bandages on her chest and told me while fighting back tears: “Chie, uwi na lang ako sa Pilipinas.” And I told her: “Oo, Nana. Uuwi tayo pag malakas ka na.”

The other day, my friend who dropped by to visit her, asked her how long she has been staying in Singapore. Nana replied, “Almost twenty years. Eto lang pala mangyayari sakin.” But she said that with a smile on her face, without bitterness, with a hint of slow acceptance.

***
Me and my sisters were always the ones being taken cared of by Nana. And this time, it’s my turn to take care of her.

And as I spent the night in the hospital, sitting on a chair (walang extra bed eh), holding her hand, I remember those nights when as I child, she would scratch me and my sister’s back until we were finally asleep.

When I bathe her and helped her change her clothes, I remember those times when she would do it for me. And as I grew up, the help extended from changing clothes to helping me deal with heartaches and problems and teaching me to do the right thing.

As I arrange her blanket to shield her from the cold, I remembered how, many years ago, when Nana left us to go to Singapore, my sister Cha refused to wash the blanket she and Nana shared. Cha would hug the blanket at night, no matter how stinky it was already. I think it was only after a year or two that Cha finally let go of that blanket.

***
She may now have only one of it, but she now has a longer lease in life and realize that she even has more now: more love from us, more good people surrounding her, more time to enjoy what she has worked hard for, more time to relax and appreciate life.

Four days after the operation, Nana’s mood has vastly improved. She was smiling again… had more appetite to eat. My admiration for Nana just keeps growing more and more as each day passes. I knew it wasn’t easy for her to make her decision but she knew it was the right thing to do. As doctors explained to us all, taking it away means she will be free from the threats of the Big C.

And whenever I see Nana smile now, I start to see the good things, such as the fact that she’s not in pain.

***
The other night, I was “reporting” to my mom about Nana’s developments, Mama said: “Buti na lang Chie, you’re there. Kasi kung wala ka, pano yan, walang kasama si Nana mo. Siguro kaya ka dinala diyan ni Lord, noh?” (to those who know my mom’s real nature, this is something really so out of character for her usual taray and kontrabida self)

Four years ago, when I was still new here and still in the midst of loneliness and homesickness, I told myself: God must have a reason why he brought me here.
Was it for the promise of earning more money or of living a good life or holding a good job? When I think about it now, even if I don’t get these things, it would be perfectly alright with me, because I now realize that those are not the reasons why Kuya Jess brought me here.

I think I was sent here to hold Nana’s hand while she is battling one of the greatest blows of her life.

***
These past few months I was feeling so down, uninspired, no passion and energy to do things. I asked myself: Who stole my magic?

Now, even at a low point in her life, Nana continues to take care of me by inspiring me to become a better person—to work harder, exercise more, cut down on my cigs, eat healthier, be more productive.

Okay, I still don’t know who stole my magic. But what I do know is that Nana brought the magic back into my life.