Waiting to exhale

Waiting to exhale--this probably sums up what I feel and what I'm doing right now. I am holding my breath and waiting to exhale, and I shall be this way until I finally make up my mind about my next step...

Actually, I am almost LITERALLY waiting to exhale. Let me describe to you how I'm feeling for almost a month now: I feel like my heart will burst from the uncertainty. I feel my heart beating, almost palpitating, for the most part of the day. I feel my shoulders tense up, as in literally hardens like a rock, when I start thinking or doing my tasks at work. And when I finally go home and rest and start to think that tomorrow will be another working day, my head hurts like it's about to explode.

These past two weeks, events and signs just keep popping everywhere. Events and signs that are probably telling me that I have to make another important decision.

Clearly, I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Should I really go back to teaching, which is what I think I love to do? But it means giving up the stability and financial security of working in the government.

Another thing is, I am thinking of working part-time for a month or two. I just want to take a break from all the pressures. I want to have a more flexible schedule so I can be with Nana while she undergoes her chemotherapy for the next three months... I want to take a break, and cliche' as it may sound, I want to do some soul searching. I didn't realise how confused I am, until one night, I googled "how to do soul searching". Am I crazy? Is this a sign of depression? Or is it just a lack of alcohol that's making me think too much?

You see, if I do decide to resign from my job now, it could mean giving up the fat bonus that the governement usually give in December.

But I am so unhappy that even the fat bonus which we will reportedly receive in December has stopped motivating me. And if I am not motivated, it results to being unproductive, to the point of not being able to do my projects and tasks well. And if I don't do my projects and tasks well, I feel incompetent and bosses will start breathing down my neck. And when I start feeling this way, I end up not wanting to go to work at all. Haaay, talk about applying The Multiplier Effect concept.

So here I am, waiting to exhale while considering my options. I'm giving myself two weeks to see whether I can still be motivated in my job. And a month or so to see whether the part-time schedule and compensation that the two schools are offering me would be worth it. And then another month or so to see whether I can find a full-time job that really interests me and which will, hopefully, put back the fire in this working girl's tired-but-still-beating (and recently, palpitating) heart.